Friday, May 3, 2013

I married my friend, but she's not my lover

Bonjour a the french say it.

I realized recently that a lot of people follow my blog postings 'Nicodemusly'..they read but they don't comment.

 My prayer is that..'God will touch your fingers to type a comment from your keyboard'! Amen.

Some of my critics have told me this blog is feminist. They say i always write from a feminine perspective, well i can't help it. Can I? Its just natural for me to tilt towards the feminine angle when writing. However, this post is from a man's point of view.

I do have a couple of male friends, and recently while gisting, one of them complained to me about how his wife is his best friend but not his lover (My jaw dropped). Trust me i started poking him to give me more information, knowing fully well that i would write about it. So here's the full gist.

Read more..

(all names are fictitious)

Wole and Rike were friends in University.. they were part of a click of 6 comprising of 2 girls and 4 guys. Rike was the type we call 'tomboy'. She dressed like a guy and was not into the girlish things.

As years passed, the friendship between the 6 fostered. The guys in the group had their girlfriends, and the other girl had a boyfriend. Except Rike..who was everyone's friend. She was the go-to girl. The one who always gave advices and all. Although she was pretty in her own right, she never got the attention of guys.

Years passed, Rike went on to become a medical doctor and Wole, a Pharmacist. They fostered good friendship, and became very close. They could talk about anything and saw each other regularly.

Wole was a "womans-man". He had a lot of girlfriends. In fact you could call him a "lover-boy". However, along the line he got heartbroken and vowed never to fall in love again. 

To cut the story short, Wole decided to propose to Rike, since they had good friendship, and he had known her almost all his life. Unknown to Wole, Rike too was in love with him but she didn't know how to express her feelings.

So Yes.Rike was elated when Wole proposed.

Wole and Rike got married May 5th, 2011. It was a beautiful wedding. The couple looked divine and anticipated a blissful marriage. Honeymoon came and was still shacking them. Real life set in afterwards..Wole realized that although he loves Rike, he did not enjoy making love to her. 

In fact in his words, he said  " I cant stand to see her naked. i just get repulsed". 
My jaws dropped when i heard that. So i asked him if she is ugly, unattractive, dirty, or many questions..all to which he said No.

I saw a picture of Rike, and she is very attractive, intelligent, successful doctor etc.. So the question is what is the problem?

Of course i asked him if he had prayed about his feelings, and he said Yes..but no change..

Its a dilemma isn't it? because Rike doesn't know about it...she knows her husband is strange to her especially in bed, but she has no clue whatsoever what going on. Wole can't talk to her about it. He's almost going crazy..but he insists he loves her.

I cant imagine being in such a situation. I cant even fathom it..Besides they are both Christians

Someone please help!!!!!!


  1. if he was in a very developed country,, i may advice to seek the services of a psychologist, who is well trained in marriage matters.
    this is because his conflicting emotions may b due to other deeply rooted problems like guilt
    - for marrying a girl he considers a sister at some levels, it could be anxiety,on discovering he was not truly in love in the first place, and a whole lot of things.but he really need to seek professional help. he could start with seeing a marriage counselor u know. i hope things work out in his marriage, living such a dilemma each day may b awful.

  2. Martiage is an institution ordained by God and shd be our "go to...." Whenever any form of crisis arrives thus. He shd talk to a man of God. He shd pray about it by himself and with his wife. He has no excuse not to "love" his wife because that is wat God has commanded him to do in that union. Believe me, a psycologist in any capacity cannot help the issues of marriage, els there wdnt b so much divorce, seperation or break-ups in those "developed" places.

  3. There really is no straightforward answer to this, but maybe there are other things about Rike that repulse Wole,he may wish to search his heart and be honest with himself. If he does identify some things then maybe he can speak to her about it. In any event they both need to P.U.S.H (pray until something happens). This means Wole telling Rike what's going on in his head so they can pray jointly. Prayer is the key that unlocks doors, Wole should not be weary.

  4. There is a thin line between love and hate,success and failure,friend and lover.In this case we either need to hear from Rike before I can comment. However,considering the king of live the man in question lived before getting married as a lover boy,he must have experienced lots of experience that he wish he can enjoy with his wife.A marriage where couple are not best friend of each other or either of them is reserve in the bedroom is bound to have one or two problems. The should be dialogue. After all life is too short and why leave a miserable life? So sister Rike and brother Wole search your heart and above all pray.

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  6. What a pathetic situation for a poor lady? The problem is not whether or not Wole loves his wife. The problem started when Wole decided toun way from his challenge.

    He was heartbroken by someone else and lost trust for every lady. Rike was his closest pal. Ordinarily, not his model for a wife (no matter how good looking). It was a marriage of convenience for Wole no matter what he claims. Rike was there all along his trauma. He never looked at her. He had to wait till he was bruised and battered to turn to the last single lady.

    Rather than face his fears and have his heart mended, he offered Rike a broken heart.

    How seductively enticing can the body of an unwanted partner be?

  7. @Aare Ago...u make so much sense. U'v painted the true picture


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